you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
