I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
