The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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