I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
