I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
