i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
