Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
