I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so let's talk penis.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
