While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
