Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
