so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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