my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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