the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
