A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
