Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
