im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
