dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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