Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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