ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
