I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
