I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
