I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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