cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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