She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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