sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
