Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
