And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
