i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
