Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
