you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
