where am i from again
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
