I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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