Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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