i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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