I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
