I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
