I never want to see another naked old woman again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
