Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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