Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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