My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
