if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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