where does the pee come out of this thing
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
