The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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