i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
did i just pee glitter
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
