I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
