My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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