I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
