So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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