Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Even my vagina gasped.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
