Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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