Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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