Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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